Sunday, 21 December 2008 - 12:33 pm

Oh boy oh boy

You’ll never believe where I woke up this morning.  Hell, I don’t believe it.  I kept stopping and looking at the bed, and then hurrying on with getting dressed.

I guess that stuff with Bree yesterday upset me more than I thought.  Seeing her again, seeing her smile in my face and be so offensive about it.  We’d been a team for three years, and in all that time, I’d never seen her go all-out for someone like this.  I can’t help but wonder why, but there’s no point asking her.  She’d never give me a straight answer; she’d just twist me up into a tiny, crying heap and leave me bleeding inside.  Again.

I called Matt on my way home again and he cheered me up.  He convinced me to go to a party, and I thought, why the hell not?  I’m not going to let her stop me from living my life, just because she’s a heartless bitch.  Screw her; screw both of them.  They’re not going to make me sit at home on a Saturday night.


The party was great.  Full of very drunk gay men, but that’s okay; they’re good fun.  Matt dragged me into a quiet spot when I got there and fixed my hair up for me – the advantages of being mates with a hairdresser.  I think he was making sure that I was all right, too.  He’s a sweetheart like that.

With the cocktails on hand, it wasn’t long before I was just as drunk and giggly as the rest of them.  I wasn’t the only girl there; a few were wandering around, enjoying the chance to party without having a hand fall on their ass at every turn.  Even so, I’m fairly sure that I saw one of them kissing one of the guys later on, and a dark-haired fella tried to come onto me on the dancefloor.  Matt is always telling me about how easy it is to pick up girls at gay bars; he’d go home with either, given the chance.  Nothing wrong with getting lucky, right?

Lucky.  Right.

I told the dancing guy that I wasn’t interested – he reminded me a little too much of Cody.  Then I went to get another drink and things started to get a bit fuzzy.  I remember getting dizzy and too hot; I wobbled outside to get some air.  Took in great gulps of it and closed my eyes so the world would stop wavering.

Then Matt was there and we chatted for a while.  Before I knew it, I was crying all over him; alcohol makes me emotional, and it hadn’t exactly been a stressless day.  Apparently, drinking also makes me stupid.

I don’t know how it happened, but then we were kissing.  Me and the friend I’ve had forever.  There’s never been anything like that between us.  Never.  I listen to his exploits; I’ve never been one of them.  But it felt good, and it felt right, and I guess I needed someone right then.

I don’t remember getting to his place, though I do remember being with him there.  I hadn’t felt like that in such a long time.  Oh, god.


It was still bewildering to wake up there this morning.  The hangover didn’t help.  He was still asleep, his carefully-gelled hair all scruffed up, and I didn’t wake him.  I couldn’t.  I had no idea what I would say to him; I still don’t.

I’ve known him since I was six.  He knows everything I’ve ever done.  I kept looking at him and getting terrified about what he’ll think of me when he wakes up.  What the hell have I done.

I don’t ever do this kind of thing.  I don’t pick up guys and let them take me home.  I don’t have one-night stands.  I don’t sleep with friends.  What is wrong with me?

I don’t know how I’m going to face him now.  I ran out of his place pretty quick.  I’m such a coward.  I feel like I’ve lost him. Is there any other way I can screw up my life and be more pathetic? Can we pretend that it never happened?

I don’t know what to do.  Maybe I’ll just crawl into my bed and wait for him to never call me again. 

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