Wednesday, 28 January 2009 - 3:48 pm


I’m getting so sick of the sniping going on at the moment.  If it’s not Thorpe bitching about ‘the two junkies’, it’s Sax disapproving of Nugget picking the cat up (you don’t know where it’s been).  Masterson is feeling strong enough to start snapping back (which can only end badly if Thorpe or Sax hears him), while Sally looks like she wants to turn into a snail and suck herself up into a shell.  Dillon doesn’t know what to do with himself and is starting to echo Thorpe’s sentiments, which is saddening.  Only Ben is helping, by trying to keep Masterson and Sally away from everyone else.

I feel like tearing my hair out.  It’s like being at school again, all back-biting and fabricated drama.  This is what I left Facebook to get away from; this is what I started this blog to get away from. 

I want to grab them and shake them and tell them to stop acting like children.  Apart from Dillon and Nugget, they’re adults, and all of them older than I am.  They should know better than this.  Can’t they see that the group is fracturing?  Can’t they see that it’s all going to fall apart?  And I don’t want that.  I don’t want to lose anyone else here.  I don’t like all of them, exactly, but we’ve been through so much together.  We’re like family now.

I’m afraid to say it like that.  I don’t want any of them to leave me.  They’re not perfect: they’re aggravating and annoying and demanding and hard work.  But we’re all each other has.  We should hold onto that; we should hold onto everything we’ve got left.

I’ve lost family before.  I know what it’s like.  I know what it’s like when they walk away, when the group you go home to shrinks and whittles away, and I don’t want to go through that again.  I shouldn’t care so much, I know I shouldn’t.  I shouldn’t let this remind me of when my mother left, or when Chastity died.  But it does.  I can’t help it.  I do care.

I don’t want to be alone, and I don’t want them to be alone.  There’s so little else now, for anyone.  I just want this to stop.  I want them to stop fighting.