Friday, 23 October 2009 - 10:53 pm

Glass flowers

Matt came to the infirmary again today. This time, there were no attempts to avoid me – quite the opposite. Simon was puzzled about why Matt had come for a checkup until he saw us smiling at each other. Then the medic rolled his eyes and said we were crazy.

It felt a little crazy. I haven’t felt this excited to see someone in a long time. Just meeting his gaze makes me all giddy inside, and when he puts his arms around me… well. It’s the only place I want to be. I’m not afraid any more, of anything. It helps that he found some protection for us, so we can do whatever we want to do. And we did.

Peter’s timing is impeccable. He walked in on us and just stood there, staring, while I tried to cover up. Matt asked him to come back later and the nurse said something cutting about not wanting leftovers. The door slammed behind him when he left and my heart was beating all out of time. Then I looked at Matt and we started laughing, and kisses made me forget all about it.


Matt didn’t just come to expose himself to the medical staff, or me. He also came so we could compare notes on our escape endeavour.

He has been talking with the boys, seeing who wants to leave Haven with us. Thorpe and Dale will definitely join us (I believe Thorpe said something along the lines of ‘about time’). Dan is, as always, quiet and ambivalent; it’s hard to tell what he’s feeling at any given moment, but he has said that he’ll help. Terry is torn – after the Shark incident, he has been making friends and a place for himself here by being an obnoxious voice. He also wants to know what his sister wants.

I couldn’t give him that answer. The only one I had been able to speak to was Jersey. I felt lame, able to offer so little, but at least I had the things I had worked out with Dad to share. Between us, we might actually be getting organised.

The current plan is for the boys to look into the vehicular arrangements, both for us and to cripple pursuit. I’m going to get the girls to help me look into the food situation and how we can get some supplies. Weapons and any other equipment we’ll tackle later, if we can. Medical supplies are easy; I have access to anything I think I need here.

I don’t dare hope that it’ll all be that easy, but it’s not like the cutouts will be expecting us to be running out of here. Fingers crossed, their ignorance will last long enough for us to make this work.


I returned to the dorms tonight with my head full of possibilities and a body yearning for rest. Before I could get settled, I was greeted by Nadine and Mama Prusco, two of the trio who accosted me a few days ago about entertaining the men.

Nadine was positively nasty while Mama Prusco took the motherly route to explain to me that things work a certain way and everyone has to bear the same burdens. I told them that I wasn’t interested but they weren’t so ready to accept that answer this time.

They know about Matt and me. They know we’ve slept together (I have no idea how; rumours move strangely around Haven). They were angry; it wasn’t up to us to pick and choose who we were with, they said. If I was to sleep with anyone, it was with whomever they gave me.

That’s when I got furious with them. Who the hell were they to tell me that? I work hard, I nurse the sick and injured. I stay up with them all night if I have to. I help make sure there are supplies for us to treat people with. That’s what I give to Haven, and that’s all I’m going to give. They might spread my name in the male barracks and make everyone think I’m screwing the whole army, but that doesn’t make it any more likely to become true. (From the looks on their faces, they knew exactly what I was talking about; they had done it on purpose to get at me.)

I said I’d only agree to one deal: I’ll keep a handful of the guys happy enough that they won’t come to the nightly entertainment, making fewer men for the other women to worry about. There’s four I can guarantee won’t take part – Matt, Thorpe, Dale, and Dad – and a couple more I’m not sure about. I didn’t tell them that one of the number is my own father and two of them are together. Nadine and Mama Prusco don’t need to know that I’m only actually sleeping with one of them, and that I’ll only ever sleep with one of them.

I walked away while the two women absorbed that idea. Damn them, anyway.


I hadn’t been prepared for a fight and it was difficult to settle down afterwards. I had to wait until the dorm was quiet enough before I could slip out so I could write this post, and the time seemed to stretch interminably. I lay on my bunk and pretended to sleep, wishing that I could close my ears against the chatter around me.

One voice grew louder than the rest and I looked up to see Iona standing over me. She has worried the ends of her hair to shreds with the way her fingers pluck and stroke at it, and the hems of her clothes haven’t fared much better. She stood at the side of my bunk and swayed from foot to foot, watching me with unusual directness.

“You’ll find the glass,” she said. I had no idea what she was talking about and I could feel the blank expression settling into my features as she went on. “Fields and fields of it, growing. Growing.” She was quite intent about that. “Makes such beautiful flowers. Mustn’t break it. It’ll shatter. Don’t break.” She crouched suddenly and touched my arm, adding the gesture to her pleas.

“I won’t break it,” I told her, patting her fingers. Still not a clue in the world but it seemed kinder to play along. “I’ll do my best.”

“Thank you,” she said, three times. Her smile was a relief. “You too.”

She wavered away then, tattered skirts whispering around her legs. She bounced away from a group of girls and took the long route around to the far side of her bunk so that she could crawl up onto it.

When I closed my eyes, I could hear her murmuring to the ceiling, but I couldn’t make out the words.