Tuesday, 10 February 2009 - 3:39 pm

Kiss and make up

I told Ben that I wished he’d talked to me about his doubts sooner. I’d missed him. I’d missed talking to him and the feel of his friendship across the room. I’d missed the little squeezes he gives my hand when I need support, and his arm around my shoulders when I’m feeling down.

Of course, halfway through that, I realised why he was so upset by it all. I must be stupid or blind, but I just wasn’t thinking about it like that. I’m not used to this kind of attention. I missed how people might interpret things between Thorpe and me, and I missed Ben’s feelings, too.

He was jealous. Jealous because he thought I was with someone else. Which meant that he liked me, that way. I’ve never had anyone be jealous over me before. I’ve felt it – I remember how I felt when I saw Cody and Bree together, that sick, hot feeling that seeps all the way through my insides until I don’t know whether to scream or cry or set fire to something. I never thought that I’d make someone else feel that way. It’s the last thing I ever wanted or meant to do.

He really liked me. I stared at Ben and suddenly felt like crying and grinning, all at once. I didn’t even mind when he asked if I really wasn’t with Thorpe. I said no, I said never.

He went quiet for a few seconds, just looking at me. It felt like an itchy forever, so I asked, “Are we okay?”

“Yeah, I think so.”

I was so relieved that I almost hugged him. I remembered his poor burns and sore ribs before I actually grabbed him, though, and gave him a happily apologetic smile instead. He swapped my smile for a quick kiss, which both of us preferred, I think.

Of course, I had no idea what to say after that, so I went for a goodnight and an exit that was only mildly awkward. It was tempting to stay – to talk to him – but I needed to think about things. There’s a lot running around in my head right now, and this giddly feeling in my stomach that makes me smile when I’m not paying attention.


Today we walked together again, and we talked like we did before. I feel lighter. No-one has said anything about it.

I wonder if Ben was the only one who thought that about Thorpe and me.