Monday, 16 February 2009 - 11:04 am


Ben seems to have taken my words about not bottling things up seriously: he came to see me last night. He demanded to know how he was supposed to protect me if I was going to run off and leave him behind. I told him that I was trying to protect him, that I couldn’t bear to have anything happen to him because of me. He didn’t like it, but this isn’t a one-way thing.

He went quiet and I pushed at it. Maybe I shouldn’t have, but everyone has been having a go at me since I got back. I had to stand up for myself, I had to make them see why. I had to make them forgive me somehow. And I couldn’t do that if he wouldn’t talk to me.

So I told him that I’m fine. They’re the ones who got hurt yesterday, not me. Everything turned out okay. I just had to find Matt. I had to know that he was okay. And he’s not – the more I see him, the more I know it.

It’s different for Ben. He’s had his crewmate here this whole time – he might not always get along with Thorpe, but they have that connection. No-one else in the group has that. We’re all looking for someone, or several someone’s. And Matt’s one of mine. He’s my best friend, and he was a dot on the map.


He still didn’t say anything; he just frowned at my hand in his. When I pushed him for a response and he asked me if I was his, if we were together. He held my hand so tightly, even when I said that we were, we are together. I told him that I wasn’t like that and I’d never cheat on him. I knew what that felt like, and I’d never do it, never. I don’t think that that was what he was asking, though.

He said that we couldn’t be together if I was going to run off. Being together meant that he looked after me, and he couldn’t do that if I didn’t let him. I’m not used to that. I’m not used to someone wanting to take care of me like that, someone needing me more than I need them. Ben is so solid that I never thought he might need to be needed too.

There’s something more to this that I didn’t dare get too close to. Something in the way that he mentioned looking after me, something in the way he wanted to protect me. I already felt awful for making him feel like this, and I was trying not to cry. I couldn’t take any more of it. I was shaking inside, waiting for him to give up and tell me to shove it, to tell me that I’d ruined this thing we have. I didn’t want him to go away.

But he didn’t. He asked me to promise not to go off on my own again, and I did it, without hesitation. Then he kissed me and the tension between us turned into heat. I think we both needed that. I don’t know if it really resolved anything, but the arguing is over now and things are calmer between us.

I got a smile out of him this morning. I think – I hope – we’re going to be okay.