Saturday, 17 October 2009 - 11:40 pm


Things are quiet at the moment, but not comfortably so. The infirmary has one less patient – Pauly’s internal injuries have been deemed not so serious and Simon sent him back to the dorms. That leaves just Draskill with his broken shoulder, and he’s no trouble. He’s dosed most of the time or playing cards with Peter.

In the dorms, I’m being shunned. The other Seekers talk to me, and disturbed Iona talks to anyone. Everyone else is keeping their distance – nothing overt, but there is a distinct bubble where I walk. Jersey gets away with refusing to play ball because she helps protect the girls, but I have no such kudos to trade on.

I can see now why Tia caved. She made friends quickly here, and having them go cold on her would have hurt her badly. She wanted to be accepted and they are making the price for that perfectly clear. Like a kid bullied at school, she gave up her lunch money and now hunger is gnawing at her belly.

I feel responsible. Trevor asked me to look out for her but I’ve hardly been here for her. There was Dad, and Matt, and everything at the infirmary to deal with – but they’re just excuses. I should have been here. I don’t know what I could have done – I might have been able to support her when she came under pressure.

At first, I thought about getting upset. They are breaking us down, one by one. Fitting us into this uncomfortable Haven mould. Lines are being drawn around me, separating me from friends, from potential friends, from having the kind of life I can live with. Every door is being slammed in my face, and the more I see of the room I’m stuck in, the more tarnished and fake it is.

I didn’t get upset. Not a tear for how this place is turning out. I’m sick of it. I’m tired of being disappointed by an institution that is supposed to be our hope and salvation. I’m fed up of them making me feel bad because I don’t want to play their compromising games. I’ve had enough.

I don’t know what I’m going to do yet. I have to do something, but there are a lot of factors to consider. Men, guns. Food, shelter. My dad, my friends, Matt. I have a lot to lose and a lot to work out. I just wish I knew where to start.